Well, feeling quite confused about things at the moment. Not really having anyone to talk to about it either I though I’d just go back the old running stream of consciousness and let my shit photos, but taken with love, illustrate what I have to say.

It’s not that I don’t have plenty of loving friends who would listen to me if I chose to talk to them; it’s that having someone who can be your confidante and still let you be yourself wholly. A lot to ask from friends who have their own life and inner thoughts to experience and sometimes, like at J’s birthday party, I want to talk but somehow my life and feelings are sublimated to the greater good of the coolective. I must sit and muse and observe and be alone in a crowd. Something familiar. Something comforting. I this mood though people talk to me about themselves and their lives and concerns and I love them being themselves. These people expressing themselves out loud. I genuinely feel pleasure in their pleasure and their hopes and dreams. My fears, concerns and the bits of my life that I can’t control but still hurt me must take a back seat. The party is the mask where hurt is banished, where love is all. Fuelled, in my case anyway, by mediocrity, blandness and routine of the every world we must live in. the work the bills the blame. The loneliness.

Well. Main issues first. J, T, R; 3 women I my life who I love very much, and more dearly in a way than any other women I have known. Problems of relationships and ostracise shaped holes. These 3 women who I have relied on, craved their love, their support, desire, cuddles, all having deep issues with me that only silence can communicate. Anger, misunderstanding or just plain can’t be fucked with my emotional life anymore. Women who I socialise with and even photograph unwilling to talk or in one case even look at me. Who can I talk to about this? Who will understand and listen to me? why do I want someone to do that? Why can’t I just get on with it like everyone seems to do? Why is it such a problem to me? All I can do is be strong in myself and be resolute. I still have my life to live and objectives to reach despite this hostility I feel from people I love deeply. A love I crave yet do not receive. Behaviour not tolerated. Loose words used like flagellating whips to hurt and destroy. A glare, a disapproving stare. A head filled with hate.

Thank love for the beautiful S. In my life and accepting in a way that none of my other friends are. So open. No moral judgments. A relationship? A voice in the dark.

T doesn’t seem to want friendship on my terms; only hers. A difficult friend who I’d dearly love to be closer to me but isn’t. Never was and never will be. I was kidding myself. Or was i? She says things like I do love you you know? The exact same phrase N used to use on me when she was being unfaithful to her patronised cuckold. She’s not the person I thought she was. I guess I'm just learning about who she really is. I still hold out a hope; but me focusing on preserving an emotional state of mind that doesn’t really exist is something I cannot do. I still hold out hope that an understanding can be reached; that we can connect and remain connected on a deeper level than we have so far achieved. On R I have given up with her for now. I had to. I was being drained emotionally by her and her words of malice. Her negative energy is destroying mine, and other relationships, in her sphere. What can I do? J, a love so strong in me; now dead. This grieves me the most as of the 3 she is my longest friend but her treatment of me is something I cannot bear any longer. Such a loving person when she wants to be; the vilest most despicably amoral cunt the rest of the time. She’s done this before to me, and others, but no more. Negative energy is to be avoided.

It does so deeply sadden his heart

That out of a chance meeting of two broken spirits

Did not come a more human connection of souls

All that grand and meaningful talk

That passed between these two human people

Of friendship and mutual kindness

Now rings such a death knell of such awkward, twisted silences

Not one single word of either love or friendship

Had passed between them for so long

Only quiet distress and gasping sorrow

“Do not worry my friend” – for that is what he still considers her – “I shall not seek to trouble you, nor it seems, you me”

When her once steady and smiling gaze

Now moves swiftly from his

When common sociality is ignored

Amongst the warm love of a shared family

When a friendship is lost

It does so deeply sadden his heart

How's your day been? Mine seems to have passed very slowly. Anyway, was it the 14:54 we were going to catch? I'm trying to work out what time I need to leave work. Probably 14:00. See you tomorrow. Have a pleasant evening.

My day was ok. Passed relatively quickly. Didn't get back till gone 5 though. Had a new group of silver surfer slash ladies who lunch to bed in at Newnham and one of the thieving bastards at palmer house, the homeless daycentre, tried to nick one of the laptops in the afternoon but we found it hidden in a cubicle. We discreetly didn't mention we'd found so when they go back to where they think it was... it won't be there. Ha! Didn't have a chance to eat my tescos sarnies so having them for my tea tonight. Got the morning free tomorrow so going to book the car in for its mot and run a few essential errands? Gonna need it as tax runs out end of Jan. oh, bugger...

Morning. Sounds like you had quite an exciting day, what with the laptop and the silver surfers. All the best with the MOT. Hope you've got a friendly mechanic. (I didn't want to get up this morning - gonna be worse tomorrow!) I'm planning on leaving work about 2 so I'll see you soon after that. x


morning..

Morning. Got your car sorted out? There's an H reg Renault 19 1400cc for sale in the car park here. Lovely condition. They've put £800 on it but it's been for sale for ages and I can't see they'll get that. If you're interested it might be worth offering them £300. I'll get the number if you like

Yes! Sounds like it might be what I want. I could spend that extended credit I intended to have (but can't afford) on my creditcard that I had put aside for Amsterdam? My insurance runs out on 10th Feb. so I need something by then. Are you ok with? Or are you still pissed about the 'holiday'? I detected a distinct cooling off in your ardour last time we met. Do you want to talk tome about something? Anyway, enough of that. If not so then fine. If so then let me know. There’s nothing worse than not knowing is there?

I'll go out and write the number down Ok then, if you want to know. I'm NOT fed up with you for not going to Amsterdam but for mucking me about, and not ever telling me what your doing hence making me look stupid (Harp club, Maidstone), and the fact that we never talk to each other about anything and the whole contraception issue. I could be really angry, which I don't think does me any good or let it go and try not to care. As I can't talk to you about anything, I'm going for the latter. I'll go out to the car park and text you the number for that car. It's a Canterbury number.

Got the number through. Thanks. I agree with what you say. We never talk to each other about anything. Or ever have. From my side I don't say anything to you because your potential negative angry reactions and extended sulks make me feel fearful that everything I do say is wrong and upsets you So I, reluctantly, go for the approach of say nothing and suppress my feelings. I do it because I do not want to upset you. When you do talk to me it is like this; not face to face but via text or email and always weeks, sometimes months, after your grievance began. Perhaps this is still connected in part to the getting over of our old relationships and we're not quite there yet? What do suggest we do? What do you mean by the whole contraception issue?

You're very right about getting over our old relationships but I don't suppose we can expect to be fine again within a year or two. Especially without any kind of communication Contraception - it doesn't feel like you take it seriously enough. The comment that really annoyed me was "I'd like to decide when to put a condom on" I've been caught out 3 times before and don't want to be there again. It would be a very serious disaster for me. It's too much for me to have to be the one to take all the responsibility. It's a good example of why I don't talk to you. If I try, I feel I get a condescending and unsympathetic one sentence answer which frightens me out of trying to continue the topic. What to do? Well, as I said I'm trying not to get too upset about it as I've got plenty else to worry about, as I'm sure you have. I'm trying to step back and care less to that I don't get hurt so much. But to what extent I can do that and not step back off the edge I don't know.

Just back from work for lunch and on my way out again.

OK. I hear what you are saying and will take it on board. There still appears to be a lot fear there on both sides so we must work on that first before anything else. Rather than stepping back and caring less you should step forward and care more. I think. This withdrawal of affection from you is having a very negative and destructive effect on me. I do not want to feel like that. Condescension and a lack of sympathy probably sums up how we both feel about each other. I feel no love or warmth from you at all. Just coldness and unarticulated anger. At the moment. Really, we shouldn't be 'in therapy' at this stage in our relationship should we? I feel. Rather we should but up, positive, more natural with each other and enjoying what we have. Whatever that is...

Sorry for the effect it's having on you. It's not doing me many favours. I think we are both intimidated by each other when we were originally trying to give each other an easy time. You're right, the only warmth coming from me is smouldering anger but it's just been one thing after another for the past few weeks.
So, what do you want to do next?

Funnily enough I just got back from signing a few learners up at the Horsebridge, sat down at the computer and your email popped up! Spooky.

Potential Options:
1. "step back off the edge"
2. Give up; Ah well, so what? It didn't work out? The world ain't ended. It's no big deal. Doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Does it? Even if it does I'm not ready to address those issues yet. Well, not with you anyway. appendix a) I wanted to love you but couldn't.
3. We can not even bother to try; put it down to a) incompatibility / or b) not seeing eye to eye / or c) not recovered from previous hurtful relationship yet and therefore to scared to move forward / or d) not ready to move forward yet / e) don't want to move forward, happy as I am thank you very much / f) can't move forward don't know how to.
4. We can realise and admit we don't actually like being in each others company, don't have fun with each other and don't like each others personalities anyway and will never like them.
5. We are unwilling to compromise current position(s).
6. We can continue to hurl hurtful insults at each other (e.g. sulky, negative, condescending) until one of us does number 2.
7. We can continue to not to try to understand each others position and show no sympathy to that position (e.g. me with the contraception; you with your attitude to my debts) until 2. happens.
8. We can continue to disrespect and undermine each other feelings in a negative and hurtful way until 2. happens.
9. We can learn to talk at length about our feelings, as we feel them, openly and honestly with each other until they are resolved to the satisfaction of both parties - then move forward to a more positive future position.
10. We can continue to kid ourselves that everything is all right and things will resolve themselves 'naturally' and everything will then be OK. i.e. do not do anything or talk about it any more. Assume the other person "should know how I feel".
11. We can continue to make excessive and excommunicated demands from our respective corners and not listen to what the other person has to say until 2. happens. Known as the "la-la-la I'm not listening" stance.
12. Adopt the "You can kiss my sweet ass goodbye" strategy. I.e. end the relationship acrimoniously. Not talk / see / hang out with each other ever again.
We can continue to slowly withdraw affection, intimacy and social connections whilst sniping from behind barricades of malice and bitchiness until 2. happens.

Which number would I choose? I don't know. Which would you choose? Or can you add some more options? It doesn't matter really. What does matter is we're going to have to choose one of the options and you might as well go first...


Great email. I didn't expect you to make me laugh out loud with your next reply. It was the la la la that really did it.
Did you want to have a go at talking face to face about some of this? (People keep coming in the office and interrupting me so I have to pretend to be working!) Maybe with an agreement that we aren't spiteful. What ever happens next I think we need a chat, away from the excuse/distractions of the TV. And see where that leaves us?

Funnily enough I enjoyed writing it. I do love our email correspondence. I've arranged to see this car you mentioned on Saturday morning. And another couple of cars Friday evening after work. Here's hoping I can get a cheap and reliable car for virtually nothing...

I agree talk is needed without distractions. Set a time and place. Not at our respective houses. Come with a clear head. Not this Fri or Sat. Maybe Sunday? Well, maybe Friday night? I need some time first to enjoy myself before the heaviness and need to have a clear, positive head for the Smack on Saturday. Maybe not Sunday? How about next week sometime? I don't know.

I'm a more of a 3f kind person anyway that's leaning to a 9. I really just want a bit of positive fun with someone nice. Do and go out and enjoy some nice nights and some hot and lazy days.

We're probably 2. coz you've already 1. and are half way through 13. We got there because of 5. and 6. and a little bit of 3a), 3b), 3c) which is causing 3d) and 3f). If we stop 11), recognize the futility of 10), really stop, and I mean stop, no 8) then with a little bit of rejecting 3) before accepting 9) we can coast through this little blip. If a bit of love and understanding fails try a suck on 12) before moving swiftly back to 2) appendix a).

Here's hoping! What do you think?

Over slept this morning so not long been in. Can't see me getting any work done today with this going on anyway. This is starting to really scare me. It feels like that nice rug under my feet has disappeared and there's no floor underneath - again.
I'd like more than anything else for us to be on good terms. There's no reason that I can see why we shouldn't be. Yesterday I found it really difficult not to phone you because I wanted to get it sorted out but I appreciate that it can't just be on my terms coz you have to be ready to talk about it too and fit that in around your commitments.
I think that 2 including appendix is probably about right and I feel very sad about it.
So when and where? Please can we sort this out soon? Preferable before next week coz I need to get some work done and I have got other problems that need to be dealt with too.
The best I can do on a venue suggestion is a pub - maybe in Herne Bay or something where there's no one that knows us. And I suppose that I would prefer this evening but up to you.

OK. A pub in Herne bay then. How about that one we used to use when we went to the cinema there? Can’t remember its name. I could meet you after you finish work or at lunch time. Just tell me what time you'll be there. I would love to resolve this very soon if possible and know one way or another how you feel about progressing onwards to the future with or without me. You can ring me if you want or I’ll ring you. Email me if that's better and let me know what time I can do this. I’m working from home today. Don’t feel sad about it. Sometimes things in life do not work out. It doesn't mean we have failed.

Yes that pub would be fine although it'll be very hard to resist the scrumpy! I'm due to have a meeting this afternoon so I don't know if lunch time is a good idea. Saying that I'm not fit for much now and would like to walk out the office now. At least there's no one here to see me at the moment.
So what about 4pm? Unless I do walk out of work before then.

I'm sitting here at my desk and just can't think about anything else. So I might as well write it down.
I so want us to be ok with each other.
We've spent so much really good time together. It would be too easy to carry on but we'll probably end up in the same position again in a short time. What was that you said about the last third of the relationship being the rubbish bit before you finally split? I'd really rather we didn't do that. Don't know what I'll do though without spending that time with you. All that lovely time on the sofa or in bed. Looking forward to going out with you at the weekend. But maybe the reality never quite realises the anticipation, except in bed of course. You always seem to enjoy the company of your other female friends far more than me. That's often made me sad. Sad for us. You've commented on the withdrawal of warmth from me but I've never really felt like you thought that much of me. But it doesn't matter now and maybe it was just the way I read it anyway.
And in amongst it all I'm scared I've lost my social life which is so important to me but that's no reason to continue.
I hate to think I've hurt / am hurting you. You've been so good to me in lots of ways. I just want to curl up on the sofa with you now and it all to go away.
At least you don't have to waste money you don't have on a birthday present for me. I did so want to have a nice birthday - not much chance of that. (Now, now, that's feeling too sorry for myself)
But we have been positive influences on each other haven't we? Learnt a bit more about life and people and ourselves? Enjoyed sharing the physical closeness even if it hasn't extended much beyond that. And I have loved you but each time I've felt it welling up something has happened that's painful, or maybe just too scary, to make me pull back. Maybe it was just a fantasy all along. I suppose I wanted someone to share that positive time with too. To go out with and stay in with. The thought of not doing that with you really hurts. Good job I've got a new box of tissues on my desk.
Well, what a confused lot of rambling that is. So do I send it to you? It's not meant to be some planned press release to you, my mind isn't that organised. It's just the thoughts going round and round in my head. It doesn't even have the amusing, well written qualities of something of yours. But I think I will send it as I often have problems getting my words out. Hope I don't sit in the pub later unable to say anything (please try and give me time to think) but if you've seen this you'll have some idea of what's in my head. And I hope that I haven't written anything that's going to upset you more.
Oh well. Send....

Things will be OK with us if we want them to be. Believe it! You never seem to have much faith in us or yourself or your ability to get through emotional traumas. You are a strong and loving and loyal person who has a lot of love inside just bursting to come out and express itself in good ways. Why when things get a little 'tough' do you always want to run away from the problem? Problems are there to be resolved and worked through. What are you scared of? That you might actually care?

It depends what we want from life, love and relationships (LLR) doesn't it? It is up to us and our attitude to LLR in the present that will shape things to come in the future. I feel we have spent around 90% of our time together in a positive constructive fun filled way. That's good for two hurt people like us. You may think different. It would indeed be a shame that the 10% of negativity is going to spoil everything. Then again that's the power negativity has. It doesn't need much of it to destroy good things.

We may be in the same position we are in today again sometime down the line but that is what happens in life; it repeats itself in patterns only changing a small bit every time. The pattern of life for humans is never really changing. So what? The last third of a relationship is generally shit (my last one was anyway) but I feel we haven't even reached the first fifth of ours. Unfulfilled potential is the worse thing isn't it? Everything can end in an instant if that is what one party wants. That is what it seems you want and there is really nothing I can do about that if that is your choice. The door is always there and it only takes one step to walk out of it.

I don't know what I will do without spending that positive time I had with you. I suppose I'll do what you will do and spend it with someone else. Our need for companionship transcends all our fuckups and drives us on to seek the company of others. Destructive or constructive. It is human behaviour. Reading between the lines you have already given up on ever having a positive time with me again so let’s make our meeting this afternoon something positive?

I still want us to have a good time on the sofa, in bed, at the cinema, in restaurants, pubs, driving around, on planes, in foreign cities, art galleries, parties, taxis, on the phone, in emails and texts or just plain walking down the street at night, any street, arm in arm enjoying each others company, lost in the moment. I will always have that nice warm memory of you linking my arm as we skip down the street, looking up into my eyes and laughing at some silly thing I've said, your eyes sparkling in the streetlight, to carry around in my heart. It is one of the rare moments that I've felt genuinely happy over that past few years. Silly isn't it? When I think of your face it is always laughing. The personal problems, the inarticulation of your feelings, the negative attitude, the uncommunicated anger and resentment, the hateful looks you hurl at me sometimes that shrivel my heart I have already forgot about and forgiven you for. They don't matter. What matters is spending some nice times with each other. Like what friends do! We really needed to be friends first and lovers second.

It was very hard for me to accept love again after 17 years of life with Nicky. I never really expected it to work. I do enjoy the company of my female friends. Yes I do. These are friends I have know a decade or more. That's a long time to know someone and guess what; they are still with me and still a part of my personal life. That's important to me. I want you to be a part of that too. You want the same treatment but don't treat me the same way. I enjoy their company (and yours) as I enjoy the company of all my friends because they mainly like me, usually enjoy hanging out with me, they let me be myself even if I say stupid things and upset them sometimes, they laugh at my jokes, I laugh at theirs, they make me feel comfortable and loved and wanted and safe. You sometimes don't do that for me. Only sometimes. But most of the time you do and that's what I love about you. You make me feel that life can be good. At the bad times I feel scrutinised by you and feel punished for transgressions that you feel I have committed. I don't know. It's hard to articulate. All I know is it hurts me. When you are my friend, which is a lot of the time, I feel easy in your company, and loved and respected and, in the great moments, I just want to spend forever with you.

You sometimes seem like two people to me sometimes. 'Nice Tort' and 'NotSo Tort'. I will put up with, even understand, forgive and help, the NotSo just to spend good times with the Nice. When you said at the beginning that I shouldn't fall in love with I've been trying to that all along. I thought that you didn't want that from me so I won't give it. Out of respect? What am I? Some stupid idiot who'll fall in love with you and embarrass himself by fawning and making excessive demands on your love? That comment really hurt me deeply the second you said it and I carry it around and every time you speak to me I see that comment in your aura. I took it to mean you had no respect for any love I may have or want to give to you and if that is how you see me why should I love and respect you? Why should I love you? Is that what you want? Love is earned like respect. If I am the most negative person you have ever met then you have not met many negative people.

You say in your email that 'it doesn't matter now' which implies to me you've already made a decision to end our friendship. Even a man on trial for murder gets to plead his mitigating circumstances. It's as if my feelings don't matter in this equation. And that is why you are splitting; only your feelings matter, not mine. It doesn't matter now what I thought of you? What does that mean? It does matter quite a lot what I think of you.

I don't understand how you feel you are losing your social life? I'm sure you won't. If you split with me you'll only lose out on what you used to share with me. Everyone else is a different person and you have to negotiate separate relationships with them.

Hating that you're hurting me is a good thing. But do you think I'm enjoying being treat like this by you? I would love you to have a nice birthday and you probably will. I would have loved to go to the Dam with you, no expense spared, with you but I can't afford too. I'm driving around in a car with no MOT, insurance running out on 10th Feb with absolutely no money to buy a replacement. Just spend your birthday friends who love you and you'll be OK.

You say 'have been' a positive influence and that you 'enjoyed' sharing; all in the past tense. Not we 'are' or 'enjoying'; the present tense. You've never said you loved me or even that you even like me a little bit. I think you are a 3c) and until you move on from that all your future relationships may be like the one you had with me.

I have fear of abandonment issues as you know and I find it really hurtful when someone does leave me and that is why I have tried to harden my heart to it to prevent the hurt and may not have been as loving or as giving as I am capable of. It's a shame you never got a chance to find that out. I feel you just wanted someone to have a bit of fun with but not to fall in love with. I have now fulfilled that purpose and it seems it's time to get rid of me.

**********

[19:31:37] frances grant says: xxxx

[19:34:53] ozzytvc says: coo-eee!

[19:35:16] frances grant says: helloooo

[19:36:25] ozzytvc says: bye!

[19:36:35] frances grant says: bye

[19:37:11] ozzytvc says: :)

[19:37:35] frances grant says: (blush)

[19:37:49] ozzytvc says: (chuckle)

[19:38:57] frances grant says: (sweat)

[19:39:53] ozzytvc says: thought you were going out! :O

[19:41:30] ozzytvc says: oh! you have! (clap)

[19:48:10] frances grant says: leaving now

[19:48:12] frances grant says: c ya xxx

[21:10:38] frances grant says: i'm back

[22:20:59] ozzytvc says: so am i

[22:23:03] ozzytvc says: you need to right click the skype icon in your sys tray (bottom right on the task bar) > change status > then 'away' when you're away. talk to ya later!

[23:13:31] frances grant says: i went out again

[23:14:50] frances grant says: :*

[23:15:55] ozzytvc says: can't listen to music and talk on skype!

[23:16:26] frances grant says: i cant talk

[23:16:41] ozzytvc says: i know! i've seen the states you get in!

[23:16:48] frances grant says: tee hee

[23:17:14] frances grant says: i just put my status to skype me and i got 3 calls in 1 minute

[23:17:30] ozzytvc says: from who?

[23:17:40] frances grant says: 3 blokes

[23:17:53] ozzytvc says: according to the thing you're 'away'...

[23:17:56] frances grant says: den and someone other 2

[23:18:09] frances grant says: i changed it quicktime

[23:18:16] frances grant says: what is yours on?

[23:18:27] ozzytvc says: i've been getting them from all over europe. chiefly women from eastern europe.

[23:18:40] frances grant says: i se io've changed it again

[23:18:46] ozzytvc says: online

[23:18:49] frances grant says: wicked

[23:18:57] frances grant says: u working tom?

[23:19:16] ozzytvc says: my names paul

[23:19:24] ozzytvc says: hahahahahaha

[23:19:24] frances grant says: tee hee hee

[23:19:26] ozzytvc says: no

[23:19:38] ozzytvc says: i've gotta drop off my 4000 word assignment.

[23:19:42] frances grant says: what u up to then?

[23:19:48] frances grant says: oh

[23:19:52] frances grant says: where to

[23:20:05] ozzytvc says: one of my learners sent me a xmas card with a letter in it.

[23:20:13] frances grant says: and

[23:20:20] ozzytvc says: and asked me to ring her and meet 2morrow at 1

[23:20:33] frances grant says: and

[23:20:47] ozzytvc says: i haven't rung her yet

[23:21:06] ozzytvc says: funnily i'm listening to the woman we don't talk about on http://radio.myhouse-yourhouse.net/

[23:21:08] frances grant says: does she fancy you then?

[23:21:12] ozzytvc says: i think so

[23:21:32] ozzytvc says: she's lives at the local women's refuge

[23:21:48] frances grant says: sounds dangerous

[23:22:00] ozzytvc says: very

[23:22:14] frances grant says: u like dangerous then?

[23:22:15] ozzytvc says: what does she want?

[23:22:19] ozzytvc says: i wonder?

[23:22:28] frances grant says: she wants you

[23:22:39] ozzytvc says: i thought i liked dangerous.

[23:22:38] frances grant says: tee hee

[23:22:40] ozzytvc says: i don't

[23:22:46] frances grant says: me too

[23:22:49] frances grant says: tee hee

[23:22:53] ozzytvc says: you don't?

[23:22:57] frances grant says: def not

[23:23:09] ozzytvc says: fitzy just fucked the mix up there...

[23:23:28] frances grant says: i heard

[23:23:36] frances grant says: nice sounds though

[23:23:39] ozzytvc says: say something in the shoutbox

[23:23:47] ozzytvc says: we can have a quick chat there

[23:24:00] ozzytvc says: you be, er, thunderclap

[23:24:09] ozzytvc says: and i'll be hoos dood

[23:24:28] frances grant says: ok

[23:25:18] ozzytvc says: i'm in there saying the wrong thing as usual...

[23:25:33] frances grant says: why?

[23:25:56] ozzytvc says: coz i said 'you ho' by accident

[23:26:09] frances grant says: ooops

[23:26:18] frances grant says: theres no one in there

[23:26:18] ozzytvc says: shouldn't laugh

[23:26:25] ozzytvc says: i am

[23:26:42] frances grant says: it says i joined

[23:26:44] ozzytvc says: http://radio.myhouse-yourhouse.net/ half way down the left hand side - the shoutbox

[23:26:51] frances grant says: but theres no one else in there

[23:27:11] ozzytvc says: theres hoos, matty,klutz,sandy mill.

[23:27:17] ozzytvc says: how many do you want in there?

[23:27:28] frances grant says: i must be in the wrong place

[23:27:37] ozzytvc says: http://radio.myhouse-yourhouse.net/ half way down the left hand side - the shoutbox

[23:27:46] ozzytvc says: shoutbox?

[23:27:54] frances grant says: i did the shoutbox at the top of the page

[23:28:30] ozzytvc says: naw, it's at the bottom, left hand side... it says - Enjoying the show? Hit us up on the shoutbox!

[23:28:45] ozzytvc says: are you on the right webpage? http://radio.myhouse-yourhouse.net/

[23:28:59] frances grant says: yeah i see it now but i've lost my bottle

[23:29:30] ozzytvc says: go on!

[23:29:38] ozzytvc says: i'm shouting for you!

[23:29:58] frances grant says: what does mellifluous mean

[23:30:06] frances grant says: i turned it off now

[23:30:12] ozzytvc says: aw mate! it's the bloody intrnet! noone knows who you are!

[23:30:46] frances grant says: yeah but i'm not like that

[23:30:57] frances grant says: honest as the days long me!

[23:31:01] ozzytvc says: mellifluous means - Flowing with sweetness or honey.

[23:31:17] frances grant says: oh

[23:31:35] frances grant says: some just wished me a mellifluous new year

[23:31:41] ozzytvc says: or Smooth and sweet

[23:31:50] frances grant says: nice

[23:31:56] ozzytvc says: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=mellifluous

[23:32:21] ozzytvc says: Middle English, from Late Latin mellifluus : Latin mel, mell-, honey;

[23:32:28] ozzytvc says: why?

[23:32:31] frances grant says: hes a public schoolboy

[23:32:43] ozzytvc says: someone just said the drugs are nice?

[23:32:53] frances grant says: what

[23:33:41] ozzytvc says: mellifluous

[23:33:43] ozzytvc says: so, doing nothing but having a relax tomorrow. might ring that dangerous battered woman up...

[23:33:53] ozzytvc says: might meet her ex

[23:34:00] frances grant says: ur brave

[23:34:59] frances grant says: i'm not up to much

[23:35:20] frances grant says: works more or less wound up for me

[23:35:32] ozzytvc says: your job is now done

[23:35:33] frances grant says: done most of my xmas shopping

[23:35:44] ozzytvc says: i ain't done any

[23:35:52] ozzytvc says: waiting for it to go away

[23:35:53] frances grant says: what u doing for xmas dinner

[23:36:19] ozzytvc says: got an invite to round a friends house with him and his mrs and their kids.

[23:36:45] ozzytvc says: feel like the sad childfree single that i am

[23:39:03] frances grant says: i dont feel much better myself

[23:39:35] frances grant says: going to my mums with my boy and his mate whos got no mum

[23:39:45] frances grant says: no tobz now

[23:39:53] ozzytvc says: ah

[23:39:59] ozzytvc says: aw

[23:40:07] ozzytvc says: ooh

[23:40:08] frances grant says: oh well

[23:40:16] ozzytvc says: next!

[23:40:20] frances grant says: onwards and  upwards

[23:40:22] frances grant says: tee hee

[23:40:38] ozzytvc says: no point in dwelling over spilt milk

[23:40:44] ozzytvc says: plent more fish etc

[23:40:47] ozzytvc says: y

[23:40:48] frances grant says: no point at all

[23:41:00] ozzytvc says: he wasn't right for you

[23:41:09] frances grant says: thanx

[23:41:20] ozzytvc says: maybe he was then?

[23:41:28] frances grant says: no i meant it

[23:41:34] ozzytvc says: oh good

[23:41:40] frances grant says: why do u say that?

[23:42:05] ozzytvc says: coz i don't want you mourning all over xmas

[23:42:13] frances grant says: tee hee

[23:42:18] ozzytvc says: hahahahahahahahahahahah

[23:42:22] frances grant says: u think hes a bad boy

[23:42:26] ozzytvc says: (chuckle)

[23:42:37] ozzytvc says: he's funny

[23:42:47] frances grant says: he is that

[23:42:49] ozzytvc says: real badboys have no sense of humour

[23:43:05] ozzytvc says: maybe

[23:43:10] frances grant says: hes fucked up a bit

[23:43:16] ozzytvc says: se you got yr photo up

[23:43:21] frances grant says: but so are most men

[23:43:30] frances grant says: i did i did

[23:43:38] ozzytvc says: naw. most men are fucked up a lot.

[23:43:57] ozzytvc says: and so are most women

[23:44:08] ozzytvc says: but sometimes a bit more

[23:44:23] frances grant says: i'm not fucked up

[23:45:02] frances grant says: i'm eating a pack of mini cream eggs

[23:45:05] ozzytvc says: thinking you're not fucked up means you're fucked up.

[23:45:11] ozzytvc says: go girl

[23:45:28] frances grant says: i'm not perfect but i'm not fucked up

[23:45:41] ozzytvc says: i had spaghetti with red mushroom sauce and crayfish tails

[23:45:58] ozzytvc says: you don't know what is in your unconscious mind

[23:46:04] frances grant says: i dont lie to myself very well anymore

[23:46:26] frances grant says: i trained myself not to

[23:46:46] frances grant says: what do u mean?

[23:46:47] ozzytvc says: just coz your ego holds everythng in place doesn't mean that unconsciously your unvoiceed issues aren't there.

[23:47:08] ozzytvc says: unvoiced

[23:47:10] frances grant says: i used to have the most negative thoughts

[23:47:15] ozzytvc says: things you've forgot

[23:47:18] frances grant says: but i dont have any now

[23:47:22] ozzytvc says: or not even thought about

[23:48:24] frances grant says: i dont have to hold anything in place anymore

[23:48:27] frances grant says: i just am

[23:48:38] ozzytvc says: i drink therefore i am

[23:48:54] frances grant says: i smoke

[23:49:04] ozzytvc says: you're connected to points in your past

[23:49:25] ozzytvc says: life shaping events from your childhood you probably don't even remember

[23:49:27] frances grant says: i've dealt with all my past emotional shit

[23:49:41] frances grant says: i've remembered it all

[23:49:53] ozzytvc says: 'dealing' is an ongoing experience. it never ends

[23:50:00] frances grant says: i'm now dealing with the physical stuff

[23:50:03] ozzytvc says: no one can remember everything

[23:50:12] frances grant says: i guess ur right

[23:50:29] ozzytvc says: still you're dealing... that's the main thing.

[23:50:52] ozzytvc says: anyway, i'm off to bed.

[23:50:57] frances grant says: ok babe

[23:51:02] frances grant says: sleep tight

[23:51:04] ozzytvc says: i need to read or something after coming off the puter

[23:51:12] frances grant says: :*

[23:51:18] ozzytvc says: or i just stay hyped up for ages

[23:51:30] ozzytvc says: :^)

[23:51:30] frances grant says: enjoy ur read then

[23:51:56] ozzytvc says: got todays paper to finish. catch ya later skype buddy!

[23:52:06] frances grant says: se ya babe

[10:58:57] ozzytvc says: yo!

[10:59:11] frances grant says: morning...

[10:59:26] ozzytvc says: morning

[10:59:42] frances grant says: whats happening?

[11:00:01] ozzytvc says: well, i rang her.

[11:00:28] frances grant says: i'm having cheesy biscuits and a cup of tea

[11:00:37] frances grant says: what did she say?

[11:00:43] ozzytvc says: i'm saving myself for lunch at dukes.

[11:00:56] ozzytvc says: she said pick me up.

[11:01:01] ozzytvc says: take me out.

[11:01:17] ozzytvc says: dubious bit in the middle. undiscussed.

[11:01:24] ozzytvc says: take me for a walk

[11:01:27] ozzytvc says: take me home

[11:01:55] frances grant says: whos paying?

[11:02:00] frances grant says: tee hee

[11:02:01] ozzytvc says: guess?

[11:03:12] frances grant says: oh well

[11:03:14] ozzytvc says: feels funny this but... what the hell?

[11:03:31] frances grant says: why so funny?

[11:03:44] ozzytvc says: why why why? i keep asking myself.

[11:03:54] ozzytvc says: i don't even know who she is!

[11:03:56] frances grant says: sha fancies you

[11:04:13] frances grant says: you must like her

[11:04:45] ozzytvc says: not too sure.

[11:04:56] ozzytvc says: i'm not a big love at first sight person.

[11:05:04] ozzytvc says: takes a while to build up with me.

[11:05:22] frances grant says: so she looks good then?

[11:05:42] ozzytvc says: well, how important are looks?

[11:06:56] frances grant says: its important if ur looking for someone to be with

[11:07:10] frances grant says: but one mans meat is anothers poison

[11:07:20] ozzytvc says: so they say.

[11:07:26] ozzytvc says: me and julia have fallen out

[11:07:37] frances grant says: why?

[11:07:56] frances grant says: best that way i say

[11:08:07] frances grant says: shes big trouble

[11:08:09] ozzytvc says: she's saying to everyone i offered her 15year old daughter ecstasy

[11:08:21] frances grant says: and u didn't

[11:09:34] ozzytvc says: well, at cageys party i said to her 'can i get you anything? crack, ecstasy, beer?' i was fucking joking. she declined, with a grin, and i got her and her mate a beer.

[11:10:08] frances grant says: i wouldnt worry about it

[11:10:12] frances grant says: shes trouble

[11:10:49] ozzytvc says: julia has 'extracted' the info from her. and decided, being the judge, jury and executioner that she is, to spread the word about how horrible it is to offer drugs to a 15 yo.

[11:11:07] ozzytvc says: who i've seen pissed, high on E and god knows what over the years.

[11:11:22] ozzytvc says: this is a woman who'll snort lines of coke up in front of her.

[11:11:37] ozzytvc says: 2 faced hypocritical twat. that's what she is!

[11:11:43] frances grant says: great example she is feeling guilty maybe coz she the one whos shown her the way

[11:11:50] ozzytvc says: she's trouble. and i ain't worrying about.

[11:12:22] ozzytvc says: anyway....

[11:12:35] ozzytvc says: that's that done and dusted as far as i'm concerned.

[11:12:55] frances grant says: good

[11:13:27] ozzytvc says: next!

[11:13:40] frances grant says: another nutter???

[11:14:01] ozzytvc says: why not? that's what i seem to attract and go for.

[11:14:07] frances grant says: me too

[11:14:16] ozzytvc says: who knows where todays utter will take me?

[11:14:19] ozzytvc says: n

[11:14:37] frances grant says: not over the edge hopefully

[11:14:40] frances grant says: tee hee

[11:15:06] ozzytvc says: i just seem to end up shaking my head and rolling my eyes half the time.

[11:15:28] ozzytvc says: she's got 2 kids and a violent ex. nice.

[11:15:48] frances grant says: but u fancy her anyway!

[11:16:06] ozzytvc says: still gonna have an afternoon  out with her. what's a walk and lunch? it'll give me a chance to talk to her and suss her out.

[11:17:05] ozzytvc says: a little. pointless being attracted to someone you don't know i say. what's she like. she might be boring or stupid or obsessed about something or abusive herself...etc etc

[11:17:49] ozzytvc says: she might not have a sense of humour, be depressive, self harmer, paranoid, a jukie...

[11:17:56] ozzytvc says: n

[11:18:15] frances grant says: who knows

[11:18:36] ozzytvc says: who knows. i'll let you know later... today.

[11:18:47] ozzytvc says: anyway, what's on the frarn-o-meter today then?

[11:19:02] frances grant says: probably some shopping

[11:19:12] frances grant says: a little work too

[11:19:18] ozzytvc says: food, chrimbo prezzies?

[11:19:24] ozzytvc says: you like christmas then?

[11:19:38] frances grant says: its ok

[11:19:41] ozzytvc says: you coming down the bubble  on friday then?

[11:19:45] frances grant says: i am

[11:19:49] ozzytvc says: when?

[11:20:01] frances grant says: today?

[11:20:07] frances grant says: tee hee

[11:20:14] ozzytvc says: come early we can go out and eat...

[11:20:16] frances grant says: friday i guess

[11:20:20] frances grant says: ok

[11:20:31] ozzytvc says: no portuguese here though.

[11:20:45] frances grant says: oh well

[11:20:53] ozzytvc says: you got plenty of cash? we can book a table at the sportsman.

[11:20:56] frances grant says: my fave is the sportman so far

[11:21:06] ozzytvc says: shall i book us a table?

[11:21:37] ozzytvc says: we'll have a right old spendathon slash munchathon slash drinkathon!

[11:21:42] frances grant says: i think i liked it more coz Tobe paid

[11:22:00] frances grant says: its not cheap

[11:22:02] ozzytvc says: ok. fish and chips from the takeaay it is then...

[11:22:06] frances grant says: ok

[11:22:12] ozzytvc says: w

[11:22:22] ozzytvc says: sounds better anyway.

[11:22:33] ozzytvc says: you looking at 30 a head at the sportsman.

[11:22:33] frances grant says: i like good food but i dont like big prices

[11:22:42] ozzytvc says: and i don't wanna remind you of toby do i?

[11:23:12] frances grant says: i think the bill was 70 when we went

[11:23:15] frances grant says: thats true

[11:23:35] ozzytvc says: ouch

[11:23:54] ozzytvc says: we could go to tescos and buy 70 sobs worth of top food and just cook in at mine!

[11:23:57] frances grant says: and what will they think of me turning up with 2 blokes in a month

[11:24:02] ozzytvc says: and wine and beer.

[11:24:15] frances grant says: wed get wrecked

[11:24:57] ozzytvc says: wed then get wrecked? you're a fast mover....

[11:25:18] frances grant says: a little faster

[11:25:21] ozzytvc says: they'd think oh she's got it sussed...

[11:25:31] frances grant says: lets go then

[11:25:36] ozzytvc says: ok

[11:25:39] frances grant says: tee hee

[11:25:56] ozzytvc says: ho ho

[11:25:58] frances grant says: i dont think wed get a table for friday

[11:26:03] ozzytvc says: (chuckle)

[11:26:40] ozzytvc says: oh, you wanna go for the sportsman? i though you meant the tesco option.

[11:27:00] ozzytvc says: magic numbers onthe radio. i love em!

[11:27:16] frances grant says: it'll prob be the tesco option

[11:27:25] frances grant says: what radio?

[11:27:44] ozzytvc says: wunnerful radio 1

[11:27:51] ozzytvc says: the wilesta

[11:27:54] frances grant says: ok

[11:28:25] frances grant says: i keep getting loads of mad people skyping me

[11:28:31] ozzytvc says: she don't love me like you do

[11:28:39] frances grant says: asking for allsorts and not bassets

[11:28:49] ozzytvc says: so say it say it anyway

[11:28:58] frances grant says: u singing

[11:29:02] ozzytvc says: yeah

[11:29:13] frances grant says: i want to hear u

[11:29:28] frances grant says: tee hee

[11:29:46] ozzytvc says: you got a headset?

[11:29:54] frances grant says: no

[11:30:06] frances grant says: i'll get one today

[11:30:19] ozzytvc says: she don't listen to you anyway, so say it say it anyway...

[11:30:30] ozzytvc says: i hate that wiley when she cuts tunes off.

[11:30:43] frances grant says: bitch

[11:31:33] ozzytvc says: anyway, fransta i gotta go to college in canterbury now and hand in some work i ain't finished coz i'm a lazy twat....

[11:31:53] frances grant says: ok hun

[11:32:03] ozzytvc says: then i gotta go to sittingbourne to pick up this strange woman who i don't know and entertain her all afternoon.

[11:32:12] ozzytvc says: then... i can relax.

[11:32:34] ozzytvc says: see ya friday then? you can stay at mine if you don't have a better offer...

[11:33:13] frances grant says: why thank you

[11:33:24] frances grant says: i'm just sending you an email

[11:33:30] ozzytvc says: s'cool

[11:33:32] ozzytvc says: ok

[11:34:17] ozzytvc says: daves back though

[11:34:21] frances grant says: ok

[11:34:25] frances grant says: and

[11:34:49] ozzytvc says: he's gone all 'wild' and 'uncivilised' and 'laddy' again...

[11:35:05] frances grant says: a bit like tobe then

[11:35:06] frances grant says: tee hee

[11:35:08] ozzytvc says: kept me up till 1am last night blaring out his music.

[11:35:19] frances grant says: bad lodger

[11:35:24] ozzytvc says: then woke me at 7. blaring out his TV.

[11:35:43] ozzytvc says: he's hogging the washing machine.

[11:35:48] ozzytvc says: messing my kitchen up

[11:35:59] ozzytvc says: filling, and splilling, ashtrays.

[11:36:06] ozzytvc says: leaving clothes lying around.

[11:36:12] frances grant says: hes a liability

[11:36:14] frances grant says: tee hee

[11:36:23] ozzytvc says: honestly. i feel like his fucking mother. cleaning up aftr him.

[11:36:31] ozzytvc says: he is a effing liability.

[11:36:33] frances grant says: i know how you feel

[11:36:34] ozzytvc says: but...

[11:36:40] frances grant says: get a clean lodger

[11:36:42] ozzytvc says: does give me rent money!

[11:36:55] frances grant says: did u get that mail ok

[11:36:57] ozzytvc says: so, i guess i have to ket him off!

[11:37:14] ozzytvc says: just checking!

[11:38:29] ozzytvc says: xxxxxx

[11:38:45] frances grant says: xxxxx

[11:39:02] ozzytvc says: anyway, mate gotta dash. will talk to you later. no doubt.

[11:39:07] frances grant says: ok

[11:39:08] ozzytvc says: (party)

[11:39:10] frances grant says: have fun

[11:39:17] ozzytvc says: <gulp>

[11:39:19] frances grant says: :P

[11:39:35] ozzytvc says: smiley with tongue out!

[11:39:41] frances grant says: why not

[11:39:47] ozzytvc says: (mm)

[11:39:57] ozzytvc says: laterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..................................